I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My vagina just recognized that song.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
