I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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