fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
