somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You may now shotgun with the bride
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
