WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
