you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
