I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
