one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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