So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
