i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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