I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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