My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
