we made out on top of his cat.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
