pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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