Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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