pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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