Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
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No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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