im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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