You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
