I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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