is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
