I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it glows. i had to have it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
