i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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