i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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