Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
