peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
