When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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