I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
