you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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