My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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