Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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