just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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