Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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