I am spending my child support on dildos
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
