Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
