I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
