If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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