I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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