Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
