my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
