I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
