Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
