She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
