My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
