I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
