like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize