I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
