He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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