Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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