another moral hangover. fuck.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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