this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
