After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Are we still banned from the library?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
