Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
