as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
