I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
