i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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