and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
